Integrity & Courage

Not too long ago I knew of a case where a priest was preparing a couple of which he was very proud. He even remarked about how nice it was to have at least one couple who were following what the Church and Christ taught in regards to sexual behavior prior to marriage. Standing nearby, I accidentally overheard the couple saying as they left one day, "What a jerk!" Later I was to discover that this same couple had lived together and had lied to their priest. They did not respect either him or the Church which he represented. However, they hurt themselves more than anyone else. Instead of starting right, they began their marriage on a lie. Who was to know what deceit they might have exhibited, even to each other?

I mention this because integrity is one of the essential ingredients of marriage and of the Christian life. Jesus himself is called the Way, the Truth, and the Life. He is a light shining to us who sometimes walk in darkness. Apart from the truth in marriage there is only the disastrous gloom of dirty secrets and infidelity. What is worth starting, is worth starting right.

It may be true that some people do not immediately volunteer information regarding their sexual behavior or living arrangements, not so much out of spite but out of fear. However, marriage would also call from couples a great deal of courage. This too must be a trait nurtured early in their relationship and in their planning. Deceit and cowardice are all ways of running away. Maybe some people try to escape marriages because they do not have the fortitude to keep to it when things become difficult?

My philosophy regarding this issue is that if a couple is honest to me regarding their living arrangements and their sexual behavior, even if I believe such patterns of life are to their detriment, I will work with them and prepare them for marriage as best I can. This does not mean that I would fail to urge them to live according to the understanding of the Church.

Certainly, there needs to be a recognition that economics often plays a part in driving people together while still single. As long as there is no serious threat of scandal and the couple lives a chaste life, this form of cohabitation might occasionally be tolerated. However, human nature being what it is, it cannot be formally condoned since it places individuals at least in the occasion of sin. We are sexual beings who are quite vulnerable to our passions. Sin and weakness are real forces in our lives. Realizing the ravenous fire of this kind of love, the Church has never encouraged inordinately long periods of betrothal. The more one comes to love another, the more that person's whole being cries out for unity with them. So forceful is this reality that St. Augustine would use the love of man and woman as an analogy in speaking about God: "Our hearts are restless O God, until they rest in you."